Celebrity Quotes
“Nobody goes there anymore. It’s too crowded.”
—Yogi Berra, talking about a restaurant
Celebrity Quotes
“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.”
—Brooke Shields, in context of an anti-smoking campaign
Celebrity Quotes
“Little children who could neither walk nor talk were running about in the streets, cursing their Maker.”
—Sir Boyle Roche, Irish member of British Parliament
Courtroom Quotes
“Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?”
Courtroom Quotes
“And lastly, Ted, all your answers must be oral, ok?”
“Oral.”
How old are you?
“Oral.”
Courtroom Quotes
“Could you see him from where you were standing?”
“I could see his head.”
”And where was his head?”
”Just above his shoulders.”
Deep Thoughts
If you’re ever being chased by an angry bull, and then you notice you’re also being chased by a swarm of bees, it doesn’t really change things. Just keep on running.
—Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts
You know what’s probably a good thing to hang on your porch in the summertime, to keep mosquitos away from you and your guests? Just a big bag full of blood.
—Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts
You know one thing that will really make a woman mad? Just run up and kick her in the butt.
P.S. This also works with men.
—Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts
To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?," you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
—Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
—Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts
A man doesn't automatically get my respect. He has to get down in the dirt and beg for it.
—Jack Handey
Insurance Claim Quotes
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.
Insurance Claim Quotes
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
Insurance Claim Quotes
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
Insurance Claim Quotes
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over an embankment.
Insurance Claim Quotes
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck the front of my car.
Insurance Claim Quotes
The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.
Top Jokes
I failed math so many times at school, I can’t count.
Top Jokes
I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.
Top Jokes
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Top Jokes
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
Top Jokes
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
Top Jokes
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care.