11 Effective Ways to Set Boundaries for the People Pleaser
By Jenny Trimble
I remember that for years, I felt like a push over, mad and resentful that I felt like I was asked over and over to do the things others didn’t want to do. Whether it was pick up an extra shift at work, loose sleep to give someone a ride, go out to eat to a restaurant I really didn’t want to and the list goes on.
Can you relate at all? I didn’t know people pleasing was a term until about 10 years ago, but in other words it can also be known as lack of boundaries or blurred boundaries.
I want to share with you some helpful tips/ resources and skills that I learned to use that have helped me set boundaries and overall be a much happier person. I’ll also share the book that changed my life and a few others that have helped reaffirm the skills I’ve learned.
First I want to share with you my “AHA” moment.
If you didn’t already know, I am nurse and my first job was in cardiac stepdown on the night shift. I worked 12-13 hour nights got off in the morning and somewhat slept until the afternoon to do it again the next night.
One morning when I got home around 8am. I get a call from a friend that needed a favor. She wanted a ride to the grocery store. She knew I worked nights so I felt like she must have had no one else to ask, so I said yes. I took a nap for a few hours and picked her up. At the grocery store it took literally an hour.
I was frustrated because I was hoping to take a nap before my upcoming shift. Once she was done, she then asked me to take her to the laundry mat. Again, I felt responsible because If I didn’t take her, who else would? So I took her. Even as I type this I’m shaking my head at myself.
When all the errands were done and on my way to work, I was so angry. I couldn’t believe how inconsiderate she was. She didn’t care that I had worked the night before and worked again that night. She was didn’t consider me as she took “forever” to grab groceries and then on top of that asked to be taken somewhere else. I felt taken advantage of and angry all at her.
This is one story of many where I felt like this.
I had no idea how twisted or inappropriate my anger was. My wise boyfriend at the time (now husband ;) ) gifted me the book BOUNDARIES by cloud and Townsend and it truly changed my life.
“Setting boundaries is an act of kindness. When we set boundaries, it means that we're taking ownership of our needs and feelings. It also doesn't mean that we don't care about other people's problems or spiritual concerns. However, setting healthy boundaries simply means that we're not solely responsible for them.” ~Cloud &Townsend
I have a strong innate desire to help people when I can and I also have what I call a guilty soul. I feel terrible telling someone “no” to something that I could technically justify doing. I fear that they will be angry with me or disappointed in me or that I am not being a good Christian.
I feel/felt that if I am claiming to call myself a Christian or a disciple of Jesus then it is my duty to deny myself and LOVE others. I placed LOVE in all caps because it is actually loving and vulnerable to set boundaries in relationships.
Then he said to them all: "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.
~Luke 9:23
God does call us to the above scripture, BUT this does not mean at the expense of your sanity, your peace, your family and so on.
6 Remember this: Whoever sows sparingly will also reap sparingly, and whoever sows generously will also reap generously. 7 Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver
~2 Corinthians 9:6-7
Notice that in this scripture It says NOT reluctantly or under compulsion. Then notice again that it says “God loves a cheerful giver.” When I give out of pressure/compulsion and have resentment or anger later, this does not glorify God and am clearly not being a cheerful giver.
Through the book Boundaries and the bible honestly, I learned that there are many examples of how to set boundaries and Jesus himself setting boundaries.
Some examples include:
let your yes be your yes and your no be your no -Matthew 5:37 NIV
A hot-tempered person must pay the penalty;
rescue them, and you will have to do it again. Proverbs 19:19 NIVTherefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. Ephesians 4:25 NIV
Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. 3 If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves. 4 Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else, 5 for each one should carry their own load. 6 Nevertheless, the one who receives instruction in the word should share all good things with their instructor.~ Galatians 6: 2-6 NIV
The book BOUNDARIES, does a great job at breaking this down. I will just highlight the fact that scripture says each one should carry their OWN load and help others with their burdens. Burdens are things that are often too heavy to carry alone.
I love how scriptures can speak to you differently even if you’ve read them over and over but notice it says, you should test you OWN actions and not compare yourselves to someone else.
I know sometimes I can feel guilty because I compare myself to another mom friend that is literally taking a meal to a different person 3 days out of the week, goes to serve at a food pantry and other things and I allow to that to influence my decision making. “If she is doing all that, I can at least do this and that” This is not a healthy reason to say yes to things.
If you are anything like me, this is where it is so good to have outside influences helping you, coaching you, encouraging you to healthier habits, especially when you are feeling weak. I sought advise often (and still do) as I dealt with family and friends enmeshment issues but nothing would really stick. I would feel just wrong or like I was a terrible daughter/sister etc…the guilt felt unbearable.
When I finally took the time to read the book Boundaries I saw myself so clearly there. I learned it is actually loving and healthy to set boundaries, why they are important and It really encouraged me to make lifestyle changes that were hard, but very necessary to live a happy and healthy life. The book also provided me with some powerful phrases that made things just a tiny bit easier.
To know yourself accept and be secure that you are loved is essential to all relationships and activities. The better your boundaries of self-awareness and self-definition are the greater your capacity to love to others. Setting good boundaries Is not selfish. It allows you to serve others in a way that does not leave you depleted, resentful or neglecting your family. ~Cloud & Townsend
At the start of this article, my intention was not to present it as a bible study but I would not be giving credit where credit is due If I did not share the impact God’s word has had on my transformation from a people pleaser to feeling in control and giving from a healthy place.
I remember crying with friends as I shared how hard it was to experience the disappointment of others or even just the pain that I knew I could technically help but the loving thing for him/her was to let them experience their consequence.
What I would ask over and over again “does this get any easier?” Of course they would say yes, but I didn’t believe them.
I can now proudly say that setting boundaries has been an easy journey over the last 10 years but IT HAS GOTTEN EASIER!!!
I am confident in my relationship with God. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve really gotten to know myself and recognize where my strengths lie along with my weaknesses. I am clear on what my values are and over the years I have surrounded myself with friends that do not have boundaries issues. They tell it as it is, which can be painfully funny but I appreciate the example so much.
It is a journey and I would not be fully honest with you If I were to say. “ I have arrived! I do not struggle with people pleasing anymore” but I CAN say, that It has gotten so much easier to be clear on what my personal boundaries are and recognizing that every decision I make dictates the schedule I keep. The schedule I keep determines how I live my life.
As promised:
ELEVEN EFFECTIVE WAYS TO SET BOUNDARIES:
Use the phrase “Let me get back to you on that.” This phrase has helped me so much, because I remove the pressure I instantly feel when someone asks me for a favor. The key here is once you do know that the request is something you can or can not do, answer the person as soon as you can. Otherwise letting this impending conversation hang in waiting will slowly drain your energy, damper your joy and mislead the other person if the answer is no.
Ask yourself, Is this life giving or life draining? Started using this question last year and it helped some decisions be very clear. When I would think about doing them my body would slump or I’d feel some anxiety and it was a clear indication that it was “life draining” and it should not be something I add to my schedule at this time.
Create space! In your life, your schedule, your mind. Do some decluttering, physically, mentally and emotionally to have the bandwidth to discern what the next right thing is for you and your family. Creating space is what has helped me to live proactively instead of dealing reactively with every demand/request that comes my way.
Push past the awkward. Don’t let the disappointment of someone else keep you from doing the best right thing for you at this time. ~Lysa Terkeurst
Determine the cost- Do you have have enough resources for the demands of this task? By saying yes to (insert request or opportunity) what am I saying no to? How will it effect your time? Your energy? Your family? Your mental health?
Ask yourself “Does this invite peace into my life?” Try your best to make decisions that lead to peace. Peace was my word for the year 2020 and I sure struggled to maintain peace within my mind but it was very good to have that focus. Some decisions were made much easier by simply asking this question.
Say “I’m sorry, but I can’t give that the attention it deserves right now”
Create a list of your values. Emily Freeman calls is “The Most Important List” What are the things you most crave for your life? What do you want your life to look like? . How did your past week look? Did you feel that your time/ energy was well spent? How has your mood been this past week? What led to you feeling that way? Taking time to reflect can help you determine if you are saying yes too much.
Ask yourself: Am I being led by love or pushed by fear? Emily P. Freeman shares this questions in her book THE NEXT RIGHT THING and I have found it so helpful. This question has helped me so much to say yes to things for the right reasons.
Complete this sentence “If I say no to this, I’m afraid that….” “If I say yes to this I’m afraid that…”
Reflect: When you decided to take someone a meal, teach a class for someone, babysit someone’s child…(insert whatever thing you may be asked to do) how did you feel afterwards? Did you feel frustrated? Resentful? angry? or were you happy to serve? Did you feel peace when doing this thing? Did you end up neglecting something or someone else?
Say “ I can’t today but let me revisit this (insert time frame)” If you're absolutely sure this is something you want to consider again, offer to reschedule at a better time when you can devote your full attention
Not all things you do or say yes to, will bring you peace or be life giving. Sometimes serving is truly a sacrifice and that is good and honoring. You just don’t want live in a state of exhaustion or overwhelm from all your “serving” or helping a friend in need or doing favors all the time.
“Never is a woman so fulfilled as when she chooses to underwhelm her schedule so she can let God overwhelm her soul” ~ Lysa Terkeurst
“The most connected and compassionate people set and respect boundaries” ~Brene Brown
“Whispered Chaos swirls in the mind of those who carry unmade decisions” ~Emily P. Freeman
BOOKS I HIGHLY RECOMMEND:
Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend~ When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life
The Best Yes by Lysa Terkeurst ~Making Wise Decisions in the Midst of Endless Demands
The Next Right thing By Emily P. Freeman ~ A Simple, Soulful Practice for Making Life Decisions
How to Stop the Pain by Dr. James B. Richards ~Pain is Inevitable, Suffering is Optional.
An additional resource aside from the books mentioned above is this article here. They have an excellent PDF defining boundaries, with examples of healthy boundaries.
I hope that you found some of the suggestions here helpful. I would appreciate hearing from you. What ways that you have found to help you set healthy boundaries?
Any other book recommendations that you have found helpful for yourself?